sanity

I love my daughter. No question about that. But sometimes I need a break. Like the past couple of days, I've been feeling that way. In two weeks, I do have a short break. The women's retreat is the first weekend of May, so I'll get to spend a couple of days daughter free.

And the thing is, most days, she plays very independently. I will go 30 minutes at a time without even seeing her. But just having a three year old is hard work. She's always getting into something. Maybe not something that's off limits, but she can make a pretty good mess with her own toys.

And she's still at that age where she's too young to really clean it all up on her own. So I bear the brunt of the work. She has also become very adament that you look at her while she's talking. She thinks what she has to say is very important.

It gets to be very exhausting, mentally. I just want to either scream or cry or run away. And now that Loren's gone, I can't even go to the grocery story by myself. Some might say, "As a parent, that's your responsibility. You basically signed up for this." But I know for my own sanity that I'll need a day off every once in a while. With virtually every other job on the planet, everyone has a day off. At least once in a while.

I love being a mother. I love the bond that Theona and I share. And I know I should cherish it while she's still young and believes I hung the moon. But unless I get some me time to go out and do whatever I want, that relationship will definitely suffer. I miss the freedom of being able to leave the house at a moment's notice, whenever I want and go wherever the road leads. Loren and I didn't get much of that time together to be care free. And I don't regret having Theona when we did, but we definitely missed out on that honeymoon stage in our marriage. Mostly thanks to the army.

It'll be wonderful to have that weekend in May. I can come back rejuvinated and refreshed. I can work on a deeper relationship with God and in turn, become a better wife and mother. Life is such a blessing and a process and hard work. I'd like to live it the best possible way I can.